Grief

Grief feels like a fresh wound…
Everytime someone mentions the loss,
Or something reminds me of you,
It’s like I accidentally bounce or rough it up;
And the pain is renewed.
Random things make me think of you:
Pretty clouds mixed with the colour of the sunrise;
A rainbow;
The colour purple;
A hot doubles with slight pepper… You would say no pepper on your’s and I would be baffled cause “Sadé Smith, you’re the only Indian I know who doesn’t eat pepper.” And you would steups and watch me cut-eye.😆

I could be good all day,
Then suddenly a wave of sadness hits and I get teary-eyed.
A message notification: How are you?
A 💜 on a post about you.

My last image of you keeps replaying in my head:
You sleeping peacefully at your send-off.
I know that you’re gone,
But it still feels unreal.
How does life go ‘back to normal’ when I’ll never see you again?
Or what is life’s ‘new normal’, with a huge void?

When asked how I’m doing, my answer is usually “I’m okay… still processing.”
Because I’m still in a transition phase… unsure of how we even got here… lost as to what happens next; figuring it out as I go along.

A few weeks before I got the heartbreaking news you visited me in my dreams… looking the exact same as a picture you’ve posted countless times as a “Throwback”.
You ran up to me and hugged & kissed me;
I said “Wait wait… 😟”
And you responded “I have to go. I have to go.” as you ran off.
Little did I know, that was your goodbye.
And even as I recalled that dream days later,

YOU actually leaving never occurred to me.
Sometimes in my quiet moments I feel at peace,
And other times I am consumed with emotions and break down.
I tell myself “You can’t continue doing this.”;
But fighting it is useless… because I never see it coming; it simply arrives.

After every episode, I take deep breaths and think of your smile as I recount happier times.
And I repeat until the sadness of that moment wanes.
I don’t know how I will handle each day,
But I’ve learned that tomorrow will take care of itself, because all we truly have is now. 🥺

Trust the process 🥴

Last week Cris had a dry cough and occasional sneezing so went to the pharmacy and Tussadryl was recommended.
Every morning and evening I would remind him to take it.

Me: Take the Tussadryl please.
Cris: You doh like me?!
Me: 😐🤨 *I’m amused but hold back the chuckle*
Cris: Why you want me to take it? Ah feeling better.
Me: Take it to make sure you’re in the clear. I heard you cough earlier.
Cris: But that was just once.
Me: *ignores because I hate repeating myself and it’s not up for discussion*

The following morning I take some because I feel a little tingle in my throat.
*thinking to myself* Gyad!🤢 This tastes bad. I now understand what Cris meant when he asked if I don’t like him.😝

The remedy to life’s problems isn’t always palatable.
Sometimes God puts us through situations that make us wonder “You doh like me?!” 😆
But eventually we feel better; triumph over the trials despite the momentary unpleasantness.
It isn’t always easy to ‘trust the process’ cause who enjoys discomfort? But just as we’ve witnessed time & time again, we just have to be patient and follow the doctor’s orders.

Showers of blessings

I woke up this morning to a downpour.
Those closest to me know I hate leaving the house when it’s raining, but my mom and I had plans to go to the Central Market, so I couldn’t very well just go back to bed. 😪

Going to the market is something I genuinely look forward to. It symbolizes that authentic West Indian experience… like you just know you’re in ‘de islands’, and it has also become a bonding ritual with my mom.

I was annoyed at the rain but started thinking: In some cultures, rain means blessings, and how apt, on the last day of 2023.
I feel incredibly privileged to be able to spend time with my mom and don’t take these precious moments for granted.

1 hr later we leave with free fruits (not stolen 😆) and complementary fresh meat. Blessings indeed.✨️
What a wonderful way to end 2023!🙏🏾

Sundaze🧘🏾‍♀️

Something about calm, peaceful Sundays just puts you at ease and sets the tone for a week of good intentions and blessings unfolding gently and oh so beautifully.
Embrace the silence. Let it wash over you; clear out all the noise and chaos and welcome a fresh start; a new beginning of something wonderful.

We are all the same…

The assumption about people when they achieve a certain level of success is that they would be more smart, more self-aware, more honest, more emotionally intelligent, more composed, more rational, more sound in their state of mind and judgment. But many aren’t.
It’s in these moments we must remember that they are mere humans, not demi-gods..  flawed and imperfect.
They are battling their own demons in the same way we are fighting ours.

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